So three and a half months since my last post and quite a bit has happened to make my life suck a lot less. I still struggle with my depression every day, but I'm trying to manage it on my own and making changes each day to help me remember that life will always have a lot to offer. Sometimes it's hard to look for, but it's there.
And sometimes some really great things happen that make it a lot easier. The end of September I saw my life blow up just a little bit and it was a process to put it all back together. Without having a job, I probably couldn't have done it at all, but with financial stability, it only took a few months to really get things going again.
And sometimes some really great things happen that make it a lot easier. The end of September I saw my life blow up just a little bit and it was a process to put it all back together. Without having a job, I probably couldn't have done it at all, but with financial stability, it only took a few months to really get things going again.
- My car. I really didn't know if I should spend money to fix it again and worry about the again after that and another after that. Or scrap it -- and that left the option of trading it for a new or used car at a dealership, or take it and sell it myself, finding a used car somewhere out there. After a lot of deciding, talking with people, and hearing the car salesman do his spiel, I decided to get a new car. Something I thought I would never do ever. But honestly, I think I was in the one weird place where it actually made the most sense of all the possibilities. So far? Incredibly happy.
2. My job. I finally got hired on last Friday full time after what felt like pulling teeth. My boss simply does not trust that I'm willing to stick around in a helpdesk position with my degree and "possibilities." Well, I am. I finally was able to get him to put me on at my original asking salary, which I still had to fight for and apparently according to most people, is still "underpaid" compared to industry standards and my qualifications. I struggled with that knowledge a bit, wondering if I cheated myself. And yet, with how hard I had to fight to get what I asked for, I doubt I could have gotten anything more even if I DID know what I was doing. And maybe others would have "Thanks but no thanks" their way out of it, but I am terrified to be without a job again. So I took the job with a smile on my face and cried myself to sleep that night. When I went into work the next day, I felt relieved and remembered how much I love going into work and how much I enjoy everyone I work with and that I am incredibly happy just to have that opportunity.
With how dangerously close I was to thinking about suicide on a daily basis, I no longer could care any less what others may think of my decision to take a lower pay for what could be a terrible job but at my company, just isn't. It's a great job with great people and without it, I don't know if I would have made it much further. So yeah, happy. Grateful. Everything.
With how dangerously close I was to thinking about suicide on a daily basis, I no longer could care any less what others may think of my decision to take a lower pay for what could be a terrible job but at my company, just isn't. It's a great job with great people and without it, I don't know if I would have made it much further. So yeah, happy. Grateful. Everything.
3. Benedict is doing well. It's still hard for me. I blame myself. I'm bitter at seeing all the other outdoor cats that have no injuries. I worry about him all the time. But I have to remember he's totally fine and doesn't think of his missing appendage the way I do. As I write this, he's nuzzled against my legs, breathing hard through his nose that I can hear.
4. Running. I started training last week for a 25 miler in Buena Vista in May. I'm excited for it and excited to keep up on running. I was looking at my strava for my last season on training for October's ultra, and omg was I terrible at sticking to a plan. Now I got myself into a FIVE DAY PER WEEK running regimen, and it feels manageable. Running at lunch is super helpful. And looking ahead in mileage does not feel daunting for some reason. i'm trying to stick to 100% completion (with whatever mods I need, like today I was taken to lunch and dinner and with no time to run I split the mileage between the two surrounding days). If I can do that, I will do more running in these next 14 weeks than I did all year last year. How on earth did I suck so much and be so successful?? And does that mean if I DO stick with this running plan, I'll be a crazy running bod MACHINE? One can only hope.
5. And though there might be some other things to mention, my last but probably best thing that's happened to me... a boy of course. I should write more about him and us, but that is a lot for one blog. I'll talk about it some time though. I'm smitten and every day I'm with him, it's a realization of why it couldn't have worked with anyone else. It's great. We're great. Pretty great.