What about philosophy, filmography, cinematography, psychology? Who knows. I guess I still want to learn everything. Creative writing, photography, painting. But what do I do with myself? I don't really know. I feel like I had the potential at some point to be famous, even on a cult level. And yet I don't really have the personality type to really go there. Maybe it's better that way.
I wish I had more resources to do other things while I sit here poor and unemployed. Maybe I need to learn how to be more resourceful. I see people do amazing things all the time with nothing. Why can't I do that? I'd like to build, paint, construct, showcase, inspire. But I have nothing. I have less than nothing, really.
Nothing has really forced me to work very hard. Mentally I put minimal effort to get good grades, physically I've always done just enough to stay at the physique/weight I find acceptable at the time. Emotionally I surround myself with people who are nice to me. Life keeps throwing these obstacles in my way to teach me how to work, and instead I slink away every time and give up instantaneously instead of actually doing it. School burnt me out immediately. This year of unemployment could have been an opportunity in a lot of ways to put pedal to the metal and work my ass off. I thought maybe trail running was a worthy "work hard" endeavor, but it's something I started doing because of ease as well. I don't push myself to exhaustion, I run distance because I can run slow. And more importantly, I've used it as an escape rather than sleep.
But like everything else, because I've never had to work hard, I have no idea how to actually do it. I don't know how to stay staring at my computer for hours applying to 100 jobs a day. I don't know how to look for businesses to talk to in person and try to apply to work there. I don't know how to meet people casually and network and ask for help. I'm trying to learn these things, but it's slow going.
And yet, put me in a situation where people are counting on me and it's selfless, and I will do everything in my power to be not just successful, but 200% effort and get even more than expected. That's why I work well. That's why any employer would be thrilled to have me. I learn quickly enough and the stuff that's "too hard" i wouldn't care because someone other than myself needs me to do it.
So I guess that's my real problem. I can't just do things for myself. Though over the years, I have been burnt out on being so dependable, and working way passed my means without any return. Thankfully the type of return I'm looking for isn't money, but maybe instead respect, trust, appreciation, and doing some nice things as favors for me sometimes.
It's about time I don't just save my energy to work hard when I need to, but realize I kind of always need to. Hopefully today starts a better me and I can keep up with it.