And I got the call yesterday from my temp agency saying "HR talked with 'accounting manager' and they want to go in a different direction and hire someone with more experience." (Names omitted out of respect). Well I'm not trying to assume one way or the other, but several times "HR" has told me conversations they had with people that I later find out never happened. So I don't know what I did to piss off this "HR" person, but I feel like this conversation also didn't happen and I was told that to be appeased. We'll find out what really happened this week and depending on the outcome, I might push things with some other people. I think many people talked with the head of the office about me and wanting to hire me (including 'accounting manager' above) and so I may email him about what he thinks. And I ended up getting chatty with the company's founder's son and I think I might email him as well. I just feel like I should fight for this. It's such a great fit not only for me but for them! Everyone at the company has been texting me about being a little outraged and how they think they're idiots for not hiring me. I just know I've never been so happy somewhere as I was there. I got up in the morning so happy to go to work, I was working out a ton and even though I was exhausted, work kept me motivated to stay consistent, push through being tired and I always felt great. I'd come home happy and motivated to run.
Now, all the temp jobs I've had in the meantime, I'm just sad and tired. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I feel like crap all of the time. I've lost all motivation. I don't care about anything. And I cry in the shower every day. Why does nobody want me? What makes me so worthless? How have I been deemed so valueless? I keep thinking I have so much potential to do really great things, even if only on a small scale as one person at a company. How long does it take to completely tear down every ounce of self-worth that I have? It's been a year and a half of being dicked around, getting my hopes up, feeling like I can do something awesome for someone, only to be told "No, we don't have any use for your intelligence, chipper attitude, or people skills here." I just really don't know how much more I can take before believing what everyone else seems to believe: that I have zero worth in this society.
Everyone is full of cheap talk. And I'm sick of it. This is why I've always been brutally honest and this is why I appreciate the brutally honest people in my life. I am so fucking tired of hearing "Don't worry, something will come your way, you're such a great person, I can feel it, it's going to happen soon!" Just shut the fuck up and put your money where your mouth is. Define "soon" because it's been two years of NOTHING. Really? I'm SUCH a great person? So that's why I keep having doors slammed in my face? I mean, the common denominator is me, so something must obviously be wrong with me, right? Where did I go wrong? What skill did I not learn in school or in life along the way that everyone hates me? This world is such bullshit.