I'm sitting here at a coffee shop at the end of my lonely birthday weekend. I told myself I'd come here to do work (study for SalesForce) but it's been so long since I blogged, I should probably do that instead (wait, should?)
This year has been a pretty lonely year in comparison with others. In the last year: I got dumped, I went to run my first half marathon race my second time alone, I did my second marathon alone, I camped alone two of the three times I've been camping this year, and I've generally felt very alone. It's not all bad, and honestly a skill I think I need to work on. I'm extroverted (for the most part with some introversion phases here and there) and extended periods alone put me in a weird place. I get really quite and blah feeling. I figured this out for the first time in my life when living with Alex, he went to go study in Geneva for the summer and I thought "YEAH! Apartment all to myself! This is going to ROCK!" and about 3 days in, I thought "Okay this fucking sucks, I'm lonely." So every time I'm forced into a situation where I will be pretty alone, I try to make it the best it can be. But it still always sucks.
I planned a trip I thought would be manageable and fun for people: let's go taste some new whiskey from my favorite distillery in Lyons! Get out of town, alcohol. And for the few that like to be a bit active like me, we can go up early and hike a bit in one of the best parks in the country! Everyone was on board, "sounds great!", "It's in the calendar!", "Yum, whiskey!" And for those "planners" in my life, I asked if they would go 5 weeks in advance. For the spontaneous ones, I sent out e-vites to everyone a week in advance. And the final verdict? Either no text or response, two maybes that legitimately turned into "no" (one was sick and the other is an avid golfer and had a tournament that day), one couldn't make it because of no car, one couldn't get a baby-sitter, and the boyfriend took 2 weeks off work only to work the pre-season football game on his pedicab so he could make rent.
Alone I went.
This year has been a pretty lonely year in comparison with others. In the last year: I got dumped, I went to run my first half marathon race my second time alone, I did my second marathon alone, I camped alone two of the three times I've been camping this year, and I've generally felt very alone. It's not all bad, and honestly a skill I think I need to work on. I'm extroverted (for the most part with some introversion phases here and there) and extended periods alone put me in a weird place. I get really quite and blah feeling. I figured this out for the first time in my life when living with Alex, he went to go study in Geneva for the summer and I thought "YEAH! Apartment all to myself! This is going to ROCK!" and about 3 days in, I thought "Okay this fucking sucks, I'm lonely." So every time I'm forced into a situation where I will be pretty alone, I try to make it the best it can be. But it still always sucks.
I planned a trip I thought would be manageable and fun for people: let's go taste some new whiskey from my favorite distillery in Lyons! Get out of town, alcohol. And for the few that like to be a bit active like me, we can go up early and hike a bit in one of the best parks in the country! Everyone was on board, "sounds great!", "It's in the calendar!", "Yum, whiskey!" And for those "planners" in my life, I asked if they would go 5 weeks in advance. For the spontaneous ones, I sent out e-vites to everyone a week in advance. And the final verdict? Either no text or response, two maybes that legitimately turned into "no" (one was sick and the other is an avid golfer and had a tournament that day), one couldn't make it because of no car, one couldn't get a baby-sitter, and the boyfriend took 2 weeks off work only to work the pre-season football game on his pedicab so he could make rent.
Alone I went.
Day 1 - Sat, Aug 29
I changed plans slightly since I didn't have to oblige anyone (I only even MADE it a Saturday thing because "wahhh we don't want to drink alcohol on a SUNDAY and then have to work the next day!") and went up two hours later than I wanted and decided to find a last-minute camping spot in RMNP. I was lucky I found anything at all and wasn't even mad when I got up there to find out they double booked my spot because in return, they gave me a better spot and free firewood and kindling. Score, because I was going to have to go back to town to buy some (40 min drive) or buy some at the park.
I didn't realize my camping spot was an additional HOUR past Lyons and decided I probably wouldn't make it back down to drink whiskey, but decided I still wanted a little heart-rate accelerated activity before bed. Off I went, wasting time trying to find trailheads, going back to the car thinking I had to drive there, looking at the map and figuring out I only had to cross the main street to get to Bierstadt Lake Trailhead. Almost 2 miles one way, thought it would be perfect since I wasn't even ready to go after setting up camp until 4:30pm.
I didn't realize my camping spot was an additional HOUR past Lyons and decided I probably wouldn't make it back down to drink whiskey, but decided I still wanted a little heart-rate accelerated activity before bed. Off I went, wasting time trying to find trailheads, going back to the car thinking I had to drive there, looking at the map and figuring out I only had to cross the main street to get to Bierstadt Lake Trailhead. Almost 2 miles one way, thought it would be perfect since I wasn't even ready to go after setting up camp until 4:30pm.
Pretty steep trail, so I walked most of it, still practicing MAHR training (sigh). Yet I was running a section when I passed a young woman and her mother and on the way down ran most of it, again passing them, when she uttered my way "You are amazing." in the cutest, most anime way ever. I felt bad because I laughed a little hysterically at first, feeling so UNamazing and so lonely and pathetic. It reminded me why I run sometimes and also how I always hope to inspire young women and girls that they can be a badass in ways they might not have thought.
The trail was a little boring but still some nice views, and it was pretty once I hit the lake.
The trail was a little boring but still some nice views, and it was pretty once I hit the lake.
But, I didn't want to be out too long because I didn't have my headlamp with me and I wanted some daylight to make food and make sure I had everything ready for the night. BOY was I glad I set up my tent first thing though.
The real loneliness hit when I decided to play some music and get my stove up and cook some dehydrated Chicken Gumbo and one of the girls out of a group of 3 or 4 next to me and asked if I wanted to come eat with them. I politely declined but thought I might hit them up for S'mores later to be friendly. Before she even walked away, the water-works started and it reminded me of this scene in I.T. Crowd:
The real loneliness hit when I decided to play some music and get my stove up and cook some dehydrated Chicken Gumbo and one of the girls out of a group of 3 or 4 next to me and asked if I wanted to come eat with them. I politely declined but thought I might hit them up for S'mores later to be friendly. Before she even walked away, the water-works started and it reminded me of this scene in I.T. Crowd:
Roy cries because his boss FINALLY compliments him. That whimper face is how I looked when the girl invited me over. The whole rest of the scene is also a favorite of mine in the series.... totally off subject.
So I ate my food, it was actually pretty awesome and the only thing I ate that day besides a small amount of eggs and bacon early in the morning, so I was happy. I knew I only had maybe an hour or so of firewood, so I was deciding when to start it when I realized that when it goes out is when I could make my excuse for S'mores and to share someone else's fire for a bit. However, my fire lasted an hour and a half or so and then it was 8:45, dark as shit, and I decided just to go into my tent. I thought about blogging or studying for SalesForce, or reading my kindle. But I was tired and thought I'd just lay there instead. I think I fell asleep pretty quickly, however, and next thing I know it's 10:30. The rest of the night I didn't sleep so soundly, but I didn't get up until 6:30, so I still got 10 hours of restless sleep, which is way more than I usually get.
So I ate my food, it was actually pretty awesome and the only thing I ate that day besides a small amount of eggs and bacon early in the morning, so I was happy. I knew I only had maybe an hour or so of firewood, so I was deciding when to start it when I realized that when it goes out is when I could make my excuse for S'mores and to share someone else's fire for a bit. However, my fire lasted an hour and a half or so and then it was 8:45, dark as shit, and I decided just to go into my tent. I thought about blogging or studying for SalesForce, or reading my kindle. But I was tired and thought I'd just lay there instead. I think I fell asleep pretty quickly, however, and next thing I know it's 10:30. The rest of the night I didn't sleep so soundly, but I didn't get up until 6:30, so I still got 10 hours of restless sleep, which is way more than I usually get.
Day 2 - Sunday, my birthday day!
Figured I should get a move on pretty quickly. Got my food and some other stuff out of the bear bin, ate a peach, changed into my running clothes, and slowly packed up. The night before I decided to look up Fern Lake which I heard the girls next to me talk about with a buddy from another campsite. Fern ended up being the next parksite over, so I only had to drive up the road 5 minutes before turning off to get to the trailhead. There were a lot of options, but Fern Lake ended up being 3.8 miles one way and I thought almost 8 miles was an attainable morning. I was on the trail by 8am and gave myself until 11 to get back to my car since my real mission today was BRUNCH.
Incredibly fun trail, easy climbs, a lot of flat, tiny rolling hills kept me running most of the trail. Only a few sections were steep enough that I had to power hike, but I tried my best to keep the HR below 150.
Incredibly fun trail, easy climbs, a lot of flat, tiny rolling hills kept me running most of the trail. Only a few sections were steep enough that I had to power hike, but I tried my best to keep the HR below 150.
A little over halfway and I got to Fern Falls, so even if I wanted to turn back early (if I wasn't feeling well), I still got a rewarded view. But I'm glad I continued. Granted I'm going a lot slower than I used to, I am surprised that 8(ish) miles is still pretty easy to do. It's hard to tell if I'm more in-shape than I think I am, or if I'm way out-of-shape and am giving myself too much credit? All I know, is MAHR training kind of sucks.
I don't feel as confident running as I used to. I make way more stupid mistakes in my footing (I twisted each of my ankles more than once today). Going slow blows, it feels HARDER. And I still cramp up, so my diaphragm is not being helped by going slower. Most of the way down I stopped listening to my HR rate and just zipped on down at a pace I'm normally comfortable with. Still slower than usual because I took so much time off, but it felt easier and I let gravity do more of the work. My HR was between 160 and 168 most of the time (when I checked my watch), but for 3 beautiful miles, I did not care.
I don't feel as confident running as I used to. I make way more stupid mistakes in my footing (I twisted each of my ankles more than once today). Going slow blows, it feels HARDER. And I still cramp up, so my diaphragm is not being helped by going slower. Most of the way down I stopped listening to my HR rate and just zipped on down at a pace I'm normally comfortable with. Still slower than usual because I took so much time off, but it felt easier and I let gravity do more of the work. My HR was between 160 and 168 most of the time (when I checked my watch), but for 3 beautiful miles, I did not care.
After my good run, I headed back to Boulder to take myself out to brunch. All I wanted for weeks was chicken and waffles, so when I saw Westword Magazine published a "10 best Chicken and Waffles" and my favorite place Tangerine was on there? Decision made. Sitting alone at the bar, and about 2 bites into my perfect meal, a woman sat two seats over, also alone. I saw that left only single seats surrounding me, and thought, why not sit by her to open the bar to a couple? Plus, we're both alone, might as well make breakfast a little less lonely for both of us. Elizabeth, her name turned out to be, was a beautiful soul and we had much to talk about. She told me about living in Sweden (she is American and I believe originally from Colorado) and her time facing death and deciding to accomplish things she wanted when she realized she would not die that day. Her story amazed me and also inspired me to keep on my path and go for what I want in life. There is no tomorrow. There is no "waiting for retirement." There is only here and now and we must take advantage of that.
I bought her breakfast without her knowing and wished her a good day. She told me good luck and that she believes London will happen for me (I'm trying to move there within the next few months to a year).
I bought her breakfast without her knowing and wished her a good day. She told me good luck and that she believes London will happen for me (I'm trying to move there within the next few months to a year).
And that brings me to now. I thought I'd go for another hike up in Chautauqua until Ladies Night happens at Boulder Running Company (even though there's a store in Denver now, the best events still happen in their home locale and I am never able to make them). But I instead came to a coffee shop to relax a bit and I'm glad, otherwise I would not find the time to blog. I've been so incredibly busy lately, but that's the way I like it. While this last year brought a lot of good lessons and practice, I hope this next year turns into production and action taken to better my life. It feels almost in my grasp, but there's a certain amount of patience I still need to exercise. I have some "30 Before 30" goals, but that may change if I, in fact, do get to move to London. So for now, I'm just putting that positive energy in the air and wish for a year of fortitude.