Besides my job, everything kind of sucks a little bit. And it feels like one thing right after the other. It makes me think I'll never truly catch a break, and this is just how adult life works. Maybe people just don't talk about it, but it's always going to suck. 

I basically don't have a car anymore. It died. It can be revived but for way more than it's worth. Now I have to deal with winter of public transit and riding my bike. It's not terrible, but it's not the most fun way to spend two hours a day either (sometimes 3 with certain transit options). Still, I'm deciding if I want a motorcycle (or a moped) and if I do, should I spend buku bucks for a touring/adventure bike (new or used, something that fits me) - or do I go for a cheap 250cc that will just get me by and I can save money. But then there's gear I need.... and even then I can't ride some winter days.

Benedict's situation still weighs heavily on me most days. I wonder how we'll adjust. I want to get him a buddy, but I don't know how to do that. A dog needs too much attention and probably more expensive than a cat in food and care. I don't really want another cat, but I'm wondering if it's my only option, and that will be considerably more expensive too. Food is not cheap! And how much money have I put in to Benedict's vet care?

I'm not sure if I should move into a different place and heal from the Jake breakup. I really don't want to move due to proximity, price, aesthetic properties of our old old house, and Benedict. I do want to move due to being closer to work and emotions...

And then I've been sick going on 3 weeks. I can't tell if it's something I've fought off for months, or something my coworker gave me. But it feels terrible. I don't feel any closer to being better. And it's stopped me from running and biking and even thinking clearly. I can't sleep. I feel like death in the morning. And I hate not being able to breathe. Mary loaded me up with apothecary and vitamins last night, so beginning my regimen this morning, hoping it helps me heal... please. 

But at least I love my job. And I really love it. I'm starting to SUPER love my new boss. We think he's going to fit in really well and he's very nice and super approachable. I'm really diggin it here and can't wait to get hired on full time.

Unfortunately a really big booboo. He got hit by a car in front of our house. He ended up breaking his femur, not desirable, and needed surgery. I grew up with the idea that if there's anything that serious with a cat that you just put them down and deal. Luckily as a kid I didn't really have to worry about it because somehow our cats stayed safe outside. But in the city, not so lucky. However, being less than 2 years old, I just can't bring myself to part with him. 

I still struggle with the time I was forced to put Nicolai down and always think "when is it my place to decide this animal's life?" - I understand as a pet owner, they're forced to be completely dependent on us. But it feels so strange to be the decider in a life or death situation.

So we decided amputation was the best route.

It still sucks. It sucks that he didn't get to live a ton of his life before being shorted a portion of his mobility. It sucks that he won't leap the way he was able to. It sucks that nobody is ever going to comment how ridiculously fast he is anymore. It sucks not to have a whole cat.

But he's still adorable, and I hope he remains silly and fun. I know he'll adapt in a short time. And soon we'll forget that he hasn't always been that way. I love him to death and with all the crap I've been through lately, he's the one consistent thing that has brought me joy. I look forward to seeing him every day. Even when he's being an asshole, I can't stay mad at him. He purrs so loud and comforts me. He wakes me up at exactly 6am every day with snuggles and spoons me. He can still do all that with one less appendage.