This year... it felt like I didn't see much. And now it's over and gone and I feel like it never came. And it's probably all due to me not being employed. I didn't get to buy anyone a gift. I made two things that felt small and not noteworthy. I didn't even get Jake anything. Steve has always been too generous and I can't even get him something small. I don't have time to knit. And I don't feel productive or that I'm contributing positively in any way.
And this whole year has flown by so carelessly. I'm glad I've taken up running because without it, I think I'd have spiraled into unbelievable frustration with not having done ANYTHING this year. I mean, really, anything. Yet, here I am, 5 months of running, and I'm entering my first marathon in two weeks. It's an accomplishment to say the least and a show for how much time I've had on my hands from being unemployed. Lame. It won't satisfy me next year, that's for sure. And so I feel if this Durango position is a fail, I need to leave Denver. Nothing is keeping me here. I might as well just move back in with my dad until I figure things out. I sure as hell don't know what else to do with myself.
Honestly, I feel like a caged tiger, pacing back and forth in anxious distress, my natural abilities being suffocated by a 10x10 room and nothing to apply myself to. I can't focus, knowing I'm the only dead beat person in the house not contributing. I feel like I can't watch movies or play on my playstation because anyone could come home and think "it's 5pm, you're still in your pajamas and on the couch?" I feel worthless and too stressed out to remain.
So let's hope 2014 isn't a repeat. If I'm this depressed now, I don't know how I'll survive another year of this.